Keeping the girls united...

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

A Travelogue

I find it strange that mother nature has endowed most forms of animal and plant life with the natural instict to fight or flee in the face of danger, but no such mechanism seemed to be at play when I reached out for a glass of water at la casa Royal this past Pesach. Sure there was a sign that read something along the lines of "It is not advisable to drink the water" in Hindu, Afrikaans, Chicken scratch and a smattering of other medival languages , but what should have been written in bold was:

"Drinking the water in this hotel is not advisable as you will definitely run out of toilet paper and all social graces at the end of a 24 hour period. And, by the way, there is no word for air freshener in Hebrew".

Luckily, I was vacationing with my family and social graces were not required nor, for that matter, encouraged.

Vacationing in the Dead Sea for Pesach can be very glamorous. And the suckers who actually pay the exhorbitant last-minute airplane costs and five star hotel lodging fees will do what it takes to re-inforce that image . I don't fault people for buying into the compelling fantasy but what does call for censure are the people that actually come back for a second round. And by that i refer again to the afore-mentioned Family.

Two years and many moons ago we made the fatal decision to spend eight days and nine nights (ultimately forced to flee by rumors of better dessert at a neighboring locale) at a glamorous resort in the Dead Sea called "The Nirvana".

What we did not find: Glamour
What paid us an unexpected visit: Violent food poisoning and impregnable sweat stains

To be entirely fair, the food poisening was not a direct result of eating in the Hotel dining room, but it could be argued that the lack of variety and general "survivor of the fattest" mentality espoused in the buffet lines ultimately forced us to purchase a wok and keep a healthy potion of quinoa, an uglier cousin to the much better known cous-cous, simmering in our hotel suite for three days. The again, It could also be argued that we are certifiably insane. We waited until the third day when desperation and flat-out boredom compelled us to sample the delicacy. I am proud to say that four years of late-night binging on old college cafeteria food rendered me the only family member not brought to his or her respective knees by the rancid grain. And its not my fault I have a nervous laugh, who could seriously believe that watching the people I love collapse like dominos around me could possible be contrued as comedy?

When I got the family email this year regarding potential destinations and saw the words "Dead Sea" proposed by a more vocal member (ie he who pays for the trip) I tried my best from stopping the inevitable from occurring;

Reply to All: Id love to see you again --- The Quinoa

But to no avail -- the next email I received was my ticket, middle seat near the overwieght fellow with the bad breath and the unique ability to make small talk last for eight hours. Yes, I refer to my brother, not currently a reader. Mealtimes were my only respite, but I digress...

Looks like I have to do some work. Tune in next time for the following vacation highlights:

-- When Connect Four becomes more than just a game
-- "Whatchu got Under There?" A joke with Universal Appeal
-- How to Date 3 ppl Simultaneously with Immediate Family Members Standing By
-- Never miss breakfast & Other Foodie Horror Stories


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